Amanda on Being on the Team: It's "Them," Not "We"

“Fan” comes from “fanatic,” defined as “a person filled with excessive and single-minded zeal.” Not all fans are fanatics; it’s possible to enjoy something without it overcoming you. But one indicator that you’ve crossed the line from fan to fanatic is if you begin to believe you are a member of your favorite team. If you have reached this point, you have contracted this “excessive and single-minded zeal” like a virus. And when you are focused so intently on a team that you begin to think you’re on it, life becomes sad for you if you realize that you aren’t.

Friends, let’s come to reality slowly and together. You are not a member of the team, and life is still not sad. You have so many good qualities. I’m sure you are an excellent singer. Or you’re really good with kids. Your mom probably thinks you’re great. You might be a math genius or a really fast runner. Whatever the case is, just be you, which is a truthful role you can inhabit, not some delusion that you are a member of a multimillion dollar franchise that doesn’t even know your name.

I’m not a big fan of sports, but I am a big fan of lots of other things that I know have nothing to do with me. I don’t think I am a part of my favorite band. I know my favorite book was not written about me. I don’t try to wait tables when I’m at my favorite restaurant. I know there are boundaries between me and the things that I like, and that this is OK, and that happiness can be found in other ways rather than insisting that I am included in something that I am not included in.

The beautiful thing that you are a part of as a fan is a fan base: a group of like-minded people who enjoy the same thing as you do. This is great! This is coming together in a good, healthy way! In the case of sports, this is watching football or baseball or whatever and appreciating it, and identifying with the struggle of it, and maybe even getting a rush or two out of it. Making some friends because of it, and maybe having a disagreement or two with a fan of another team, but not declaring him your mortal enemy. Because you don’t need to hate any more people than you already do, and you especially don’t need to hate people because they like different guys who throw or kick or hit balls on TV than you like.

This is not taking anything too personally, and this does not lead to the maniacal burning of cars and drunken riots in city streets.

So let’s just let our favorite teams be our favorite teams, and us be ourselves. And in case I’ve left anything unclear, feel free to utilize the flow chart I’ve created to determine whether or not you are a member of the team.







Football Field by Dan X. O'Neil is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution 3.0 Unported License.

Dave on Being on the Team: Why I Am A Packer

Maybe it’s my rivals love for grammar, or maybe it’s the idea itself, but one thing is certain, if I ever use the pronoun “we” to refer to a sports team, (10 out of 10 times being the Green Bay Packers) I am harshly criticized, judged, and reminded that I am in no way part of the team. While this statement may seem true to some, I think any sports fan can agree that the fan is in many ways part of the team.

Before I justify my point I would like to make clear that I know I am in no way an owner, coach or appear anywhere on the roster for any team. I realize that even if every player were to get injured, retire, strike or sick that I will never be called to play.

Also it is important that I note that this does not apply to all things. I do not listen to my favorite band and say, “We put out a great album” or write a letter to Stephen King and say “We have good character development in chapter three.” A sports team is more closely comparable to a supporter of a political party. Even if they do not vote, many consider themselves a part of political party for just sharing the same views and opinions.

Try telling this guy he's not on the Seahawks.

With that being said, the fan plays an important position on any kind of sports team. Below are some of the responsibility that qualify you for such a position:

• Till Death Do You Part: To be part of a team, you are part of a team for life. In your position, you are never cut or traded. If you have a bad season, your coaches make horrible decisions, all of your players all of the sudden play like your grandma, well then you can either criticize them openly while still being a fellow supporter or you can cry every week till your team gets better, but you can never change your team.

• Know Thy Enemy: In many ways the fan is often a defensive position. If you find yourself constantly defending your team to friends or strangers then you are doing your job. It is important to identify your ally (fellow supporters) and your enemy (everyone else), and while you can be friends with everyone, you cannot be friends with everyone during game time.

• Game Day Responsibilities: Your responsibility on game day is to treat every game of the season like it is life or death. You can do this from anywhere, the bleachers, the bar, or in front of your television. Though your screaming, clapping, complaining, cheering, swearing, or act of violently throwing things may never be seen or heard, they are still important to the world of sporting.

You may still be saying to yourself “none of these things makes you part of the team.” If you are, then consider this Mr. or Ms. Know-It-All, when you are a fan of a sports team you’re a single thread of a social fabric made up of hundreds or thousands, or possibly even millions of others. Though your role may seem insignificant, if every fan were to stop caring then there would be no team to care for. It is for this reason more than any other that you can consider yourself part of a team. Lets face it; no team can exist without a fan base… except maybe the Jets (who are pretty damn close).





12th Man by Matt McGee is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-NoDerivs 3.0 Unported License.

Amanda on Buffets: This is Not the Pride Lands

The attraction to buffets is a magnetic, dangerous force. Those who love them are laboring under some delusion that buffets are the promise land, a Mecca of chicken wings and soggy pound cake. It’s a sick trick that buffets are pulling on us, and I’m here to put a stop to it.

And when I talk about buffets here, I am not talking about your rich uncle’s buffet-style wedding. I am talking about the shopping center buffet with the $5 all-you-can-eat lunch special. I am talking about Sizzler before Sizzler vanished with the rising prices of green Jell-O and grade D meat.

There are two fiscally sound ways to approach buffets. The first is like a rowdy frat boy spending all his summer job earnings on a weekend in Vegas: take whatever comes your way, whether you like it or not, and get your money’s worth. But with this mentality, terrible things start happening. I find myself eating French fries dipped in hot fudge, just because I have the option of doing so. Dave starts eating fried frog legs. The crusts of horrible, microwavable pizzas with sour cheese litter plate upon plate across the table. It’s not a pretty scene. It’s one you might see in a bad symbolist film about the deterioration of pride.

The other is what I like to call the “Jane Doe Method,” named after someone close to me and Dave who asked not to be identified in this blog post:

• Choose a target. In this case, Dave and I were in college and a chain buffet had just opened up a few miles away from campus.
• Prepare materials. Jane came down to our school one Sunday equipped with a large purse and multiple one-gallon Ziploc freezer bags.
• Identify desirable items. While most of the food was too vile to think about ever reheating, Jane scoped out the one passable dish, grilled steak made to order.
• Acquire substance. Jane slyly dumped multiple platefuls of steak into the plastic bags in her purse.

While I am a vegetarian and am revolted by the idea of eating the flesh of a dead animal, from a buffet or otherwise, Dave ate some pretty decent steak for dinner every night for the next week.

But there’s a problem with these two methods. One is unhealthy, disgusting, and soul crushing. You do not leave a place where you ate four pounds of mashed potatoes mixed with what looked like cheese whiz but tasted like crayons without sustaining some physical and mental damage. The other is in a moral gray area and could be considered illegal. So what is the best way to approach buffets?

The answer is don’t. Avoid them at all costs. Take your money and buy a modest amount of quality food anywhere else.

Everything in moderation, except puppies.
And Office reruns.

At buffets, you are not really paying for food. You are paying for the joy of your inner-Mufasa telling you that everything the light touches is yours. But ladies and gentleman, this is not the Pride Lands you are being offered here. This is a shadowy place akin to the elephant graveyard. This is where food comes to die.

Don’t be deceived. Save yourself from the possible food poisoning, the calories, and the potential embarrassment of being stopped and questioned for carrying a sizeable amount of dead cow in your purse. If you don’t want to cook, for the love of God, just order a pizza instead.









Suki has the purple collar by Ingo Di Bella is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution 3.0 Unported License.

Dave on Buffets: A Feast Fit For Kings

As an avid eater of any kind of food, I have a strong passion for the buffet. Whenever I see an all-you-can-eat establishment, I see an invitation to a unique cuisine experience that will serve dishes from around the globe and allow me to shove as much of them as I can down my gullet. Buffets are a great way to get to experience new foods and combinations for an affordable price.

The Land of Milk and Honey.

There are many reasons why you should be excited about any form of buffet. When you go to a regular restaurant you have to take a list of a thousand dishes and narrow it down to just one, but at a buffet it’s a free-for-all where you can chow down on practically anything found on the planet. When you walk into a restaurant you have to go through a whole process of being seated, waiting for a server, choosing a meal, and waiting for the meal to be plated, but at a buffet your feast fit for a king begins minutes after stepping through the door.

Buffets also give you the chance to work your inner creative slob. This is the only place where you can try eggs over eggplant, mac and cheese salad, Jell-O with string beans, or gravy over anything. Your dish is not a just a dish, but a canvas to create the perfect combination.

The key to getting the full experience of any buffet is to make sure you get at least four times what you pay for. To ensure such a task I perfected a fool proof, easy to follow technique for any fellow buffetist to use. The technique revolves around one important principle: eat as fast and as much as you can before your body can realize that you are full. If you can master that simple technique then your buffet possibilities are endless. Below are a few more simple techniques that may also help:

• Practice getting out of your chair and on your feet faster; speed is everything.
• There is little time to read what each dish is, so it is best to go by sight and smell.
• Use the whole dish to your advantage. There is more space than you think on one plate.
• Choose your beverage wisely; water is easier on the stomach than soda is.

Chicken, shrimp, pasta, pizza, steak, fish; you could have any one of these for dinner but why have one when you can have them all? That is the beauty of a buffet, instead of asking yourself which to eat, you instead ask yourself how much of each to eat. Sure, all the food may be mediocre, but for the price that you are paying, you have already subconsciously prepared for something very short of a gourmet meal.

There are a number of complaints I always hear from people who don’t enjoy a night at the buffet, but one specifically: they always feel sick after eating too much. I will admit that even I say this, but to me it is not a complaint, it is an epiphany, a moment of victory where I know I accomplished the goal that I have set myself. Yes, it is uncomfortable, but the pain is the same pain I imagine Bill Gates feels in his arm when he lifts up his wallet.

You may see a buffet as a place that is unhealthy, disgusting, and leaves you wondering what you ate (I get the same complaints about my cooking). However I see it as a golden ticket to a smorgasbord of unlimited opportunity. And sure it may be a little unhealthy, but hey, all that walking to get your food has to burn some calories…right?



Buffet fit for a king by Bev Sykes is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution 3.0 Unported License.